Today is Mothers Day, and for the first time in my life I have no Mother to visit.I could go visit her grave but only ashes are there. I try hard not to think of the last time I saw her, because she wasn’t there. All I have left is photos and the memories they evoke. I am sad, which is a natural emotion to feel, but it is strange because I am not used to feeling emotions. I also feel tremendous guilt for all the mothers days that I missed because I was to wrapped up in myself.
What I would not give to have her back, to have more time, to make her proud. Loss is a part of life, I know and accept this. I always told myself that reincarnation is remembering the dead, keeping them alive and with us by not forgetting them. My mum lives on inside of me, inside of my sisters and my Dad. Today I miss my mum, I will always miss her. Today my mental illness is not in charge, the emotions I feel today are real, raw, correct.
No pills will numb this pain, no self harming required to make me feel alive. Today I have the pain of loss, as hard as it is I will let it cleanse my soul. The regrets I have cannot be changed, but they can serve to make me more thoughtful of others.