Already I am finding myself falling behind with my daily blog posts, Since upping my Quetiapine I have found myself running out of day. As I have only just started on the high dose, and knowing that I flag in the afternoon, I am not that bothered just yet. ……..
The above was written on the first of the month, eight days ago. In the past few days I have wobbled my way through each day, pushing myself to do things, and yesterday I crashed. Not a bad crash, just an “I am scared of everything and nothing” crash. Today I feel a bit better, just very tired, it is surprising how tiring being anxious is, even though you rarely move.
The red flag should have gone up days ago when I realised I could not write, there was just too much in my head to concentrate on a blog post. I wonder if stopping drinking is having an effect, not that I was a big drinker, but I did drink most days. The one thing I have noticed is that I have become isolated. As I have a thing for social isolation anyway, not going for a drink, means not seeing people, which is both a good and a bad thing.
I like to talk, and I can bullshit with the best of them, but I am always conscious that people dislike me or what I say. Sober I find it hard to have conversations unless it is about topics I know. The problem is I do not follow any kind of sport, and the extent of my social circle is the golf club. Pop a couple of pints in me and I will talk about anything and everything, bullshit, lie and manipulate the truth. The extrovert leaps out and the part of me that is conscious of how I am being perceived gets shut out, though I can hear it in my head, desperately telling me to shut up.
Some might say the simple answer is to just go to the golf club and only have a soft drink, those are the people who don’t know how strong the addiction compulsion is. I would cave in, I know I would. I have been alcohol free for nearly two weeks, sad to say I actually feel proud of myself. Yes, I have fallen into the isolation trap, I wish I could face going outside beyond walking the dog, I miss my girlfriend like mad, but I need to get back in control.
Anyway, as my mind is flopping all over the place right now, I shall end this ramble. Who knows I might get around to writing something constructive later.