I find myself at that point where I desire to go back to work. It has been two years since my breakdown, two long years. I have learned a lot about myself in this time. Unfortunately I have learned that I am unable to trust my own judgement. At 44 years of age I am still undecided what it is that I wish to do with my life. I am scared after so many stupid decisions the trend will continue.
It is quite an existential problem working out your place in life, the more I think the more philosophical the answers become. When I first had my breakdown I threw myself into trying to support and help others, this proved to be just as damaging as the breakdown itself, though over a longer period. I surrounded myself with mental illness, I guess I lived it, not only through myself but through others. To know that you are not alone is helpful, however, in hindsight, I guess I should have been more selfish, more orientated to my own wellbeing.
I spent a large sum of money on a course to learn cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy, I believed in it, I still do, to a point. Like many things though I did not see it through. Self doubt crept in, maybe it was always there, maybe I was just setting myself up for another fall. Whatever the reason I still was left feeling a failure. Whilst I have achieved much in my life, I do not think I finished anything. So many open pathways left to become overgrown. Almost every day I have different ideas about what I should do, this causes a lot of confusion and despondency, then nothing gets done.
I try every day to do things, I even have an app on my phone with a list of things that need to be done, even down to brushing teeth and eating breakfast. Where I want organisation I find chaos, I find even keeping the house tidy almost impossible, there is only myself, a dog and a cat! I even have to have alarms set to remind me to take my medication, I guess I am painting a pretty feeble picture. When I look at this, my current lifestyle, I wonder, “can I work?”. I fear my reliability, some days are better than others, however I don’t think I have gone a week where I could say I was reliable.
I tried looking for work to do from home, seems there is not very much call for people who are good with spreadsheets, and data analysis is all I am really good at. If life was one big spreadsheet I would be sorted, I would no longer have any worries. Alas it is not to be, I shall have to find another direction, the problem is, which direction do I go?