I shall keep this brief as it is late, my mind is numb and yet continues to ponder, as it does. I have no defined diagnosis for my problems, the book of all knowledge however would put me nicely into the borderline personality disorder Pidgeon hole. I do not wish to dwell on diagnosis however, more one of the less discussed problems of living with mental illness.
Loneliness, the curse suffused by many, even those surrounded by others. Despite people close to me knowing that I am ill, they struggle to grasp the full extent of it. Even those who suffer from milder forms of illness, those who require help due to life circumstances, question why I am like I am.
Truth be told, even I question who I am, yet the one thing I know for sure is that, I will not get over my problems, I just learn to live with them. I look back at a life blighted by poor choices, relationships destroyed and career opportunities left to crumble to dust.
I live a lonely life, so very scared to let people in. Despite my desire to find acceptance, I always feel an outsider. Everything I do, I do so with the feeling that I do not belong, that I am different, that people view me as odd. I have developed a chameleon attitude, never me, just like an actor playing a part. I have spoken openly and honestly in the past, yet I lost my way. I believe in being open, however I respect those that remain silent.
I am alone in my mind, but I understand why. Whilst I will live a lonely life, I hope that others who feel the same can take some comfort in knowing they are not alone, the pain is shared. I never give up hope, and I believe that building a foundation of experience about living with mental illness is crucial in beating the loneliness, life is to short for suffering, maybe together we suffers can find a solution.