All I can say is that I know this so well. Stay strong dear friend
For days I’d just been pushing away and distracting. I had so many painful emotions I couldn’t deal with… they in turn turned into urges or thoughts about wanting to die and such… and then to cope with that, I distracted. So I never actually felt the pain of the emotions that had started the chain.
I spent the entire time that I wasn’t self-destructing, trying not to self-destruct – and I did so by distracting. On Monday that meant that I spent the entire day distracting. I didn’t give myself a single second to actually feel anything, I was so scared of the power of the emotions and the urges I was having but trying not to let myself have. Finally I tried to go to sleep around 11. I was therefore not distracting from myself any longer, and suddenly, it hit me like a tsunami.
It was as…
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