Nothing hurts more than the realisation that you have led a failed life. You try to repress or even accept the past, but it still hangs over your head. A mocking, cackling presence that torments you at will. How can you possibly dream of moving forward, when history paints an obvious future.
Gripped in the eventual despair that is the knowing that despite best intentions, despite a desire to change, you are doomed to failure. Your own mind, split into two, one side driving you towards better things, the other waiting to strip away all that is good. Living is only a biological action when the mind is in shards.
What hope is there for progress? how can I break free from my own mind? Do I not deserve a chance? I see the dream, I can almost touch it, it feels so real and yet the black claws of history are waiting to drag me back. Who the hell would trust me? What use am I when I fight the very darkness I wish to remove from others? Nothing, but nothing is there.
Turning dreams into reality seems like lead into gold, I might walk the path but in reality am I just setting myself up for yet another round of disappointment and despair. I am not lazy, if only people could see how hard I work to hold in check the more challenging parts of my life. I see failure before I see success, I am a joke, I am pathetic, I am not worthy. I dream of a life spent helping those like me, what point when they see that I am no better than they are. Maybe tomorrow, I will wake and regret this post. Most likely but I am fed up of hiding all the time.
I will learn how to help others, no matter how I suffer!
I may never be free but I can free others!
Sorry you had to read this