Whilst I know my illness is a serious issue, I do find it amazing how one day I can be down and the next up. Last week I had a bad time, life was all doom and gloom. The negative definitely outweighed the good. This week has so far been positive, I have felt really good. Do not get me wrong, I still have “moments” but I have been a lot more positive, inspired almost.
I have started to exercise, which is never easy after a long time of idleness. I am eating healthier, and am starting to enjoy it (still can’t get rid of the sugar in coffee and tea though). I am also facing my worries, being productive, trying to remain motivated. They say having a positive mental attitude helps, I can’t say I am there yet but I am definitely trying.
I put the main change in my mindset down to sorting bad negative thoughts and feelings from the good negative feelings. It has amazed me how often my thoughts over little things are so very dark. I am the type of person who has a constant verbal monolog going on in my head. It gets on my nerves at times, always so negative. So I have started to rephrase things. “it will never work out, why bother”, has become “try it and see”. I no longer use “angry”, I use “frustrated”, “life is not shit”, “life is a challenge”. It is amazing how changing the words you use in your mind, can change the way you feel.
Introspection has also taken on this new thinking, I now look at things and try to draw out a different perspective. Last week I received an email that made me feel angry, this turned into a less than pleasant phone call, which left me feeling angry and negative. When I sat and looked at the whole thing I realised that my first mistake was feeling and responding with anger. I should have remained calm, and certainly not replied until I was so. I looked at what had made me feel “angry” and realised it was the tone of the email, but when I thought about it objectively I realised it was my fault. I had not done something I said I would, hence the email. Had I dealt with the issue before, the whole incident would never have happened.
When you are depressed, not being able to face things, not being able to think straight enough is common. Some people call it being lazy, or procrastination, the truth is that often even simple things can take on monumental proportions. Finding the motivation is hard, finding that motivation after you have put it off for a while becomes exponentially more difficult. Also the more we put off “until tomorrow” just makes it all worse, they are no longer single things, they gang up on you. Deadlines become doom days, the closer it gets, the less time we have. Soon it is on us or passed, the dread to answer the phone or open emails becomes scary. Quick run and hide under the duvet.
My family has always said that when things go bad, my response is to bury my head in the sand. I do not know why I do, I can have all the best intentions in the world, but turning them into actions is so difficult. Even when I do start to do things, the chance of them being maintained is doubtful. I am trying this time around but I am finding it a challenge. I think the main thing I need to bare in mind, is that it is a work in progress. I am not only learning to live on my own again, but also learning to live with my illness.