I have not written anything for a few weeks now, I must admit I am finding this hard already. Once this blog was my refuge, a place where I could turn thoughts into words and leave them on a page. Now however I seem to have lost that right, now what I feel and think is subject to being used against me. This post today, if I even manage to finish it will be either make or break for me. Take the leap of faith I must and hope that the feeling I normally get returns.
I have not been well for some time now, I have depression. Simple little statement but if only that was it, depression has its roots and I had to examine my life to find where they went. On reflection I have established that I have a lot of historic issues that I need to face, I began to see that the person I am is the result of many a wrong turn. I identified that I have cyclic self-destructive tendencies, that my deeper issues simmered until they boiled over. I am not proud of my past but I never had the guts to face my problems.
This last breakdown however was a very close call, I knew that there may never be a chance again. I forced myself to analyse my life, looking for the damaged parts and it hurt, hurt so very much. Anxiety grew quickly as if to protect me from where I was looking. I used to hate anxiety but now I know it for what it is to me, a warning. I now heed the warnings, I can control the anxiety, I can now use it to guide me. Uncontrolled anxiety and depression make for an uncomfortable life, especially when you fight, I have self harmed and thought many times about how much easier it would be just to not exist. These thoughts are wrong, they are the result of fighting your inner self.
I am on medication that helps to limit the symptoms of both depression and anxiety, this allows me the time to look deeply into myself. They work well and as the time progresses I find I am able to slowly correct some of my damaged thinking. I am not healed, not better but I am coping in a rational way. I have had to make changes to my life that have caused a lot of pain, I feel guilt at causing such pain but I could no longer live the way I was. I knew my past but also had to look at the present, my work was becoming a problem but so also was my home life. I had to face the fact that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship.
Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially when there is a child involved. I know that I had probably been living a lie for a while, blaming other circumstances, never able to face the awful truth. Ending the relationship has caused my ex partner great pain, I am truly sorry. My daughter as well has suffered although she puts on a brave face. I have destroyed their lives to save my own, I can’t find words to express how that makes me feel about myself. I know that it was the right decision but it does not reduce the guilt I feel. I miss my daughter like mad, not seeing her everyday is tough but it is my punishment for my decision.
Tentatively I move forward, each day I find strength. I have to find my new path now and I am not sure where it leads. I have had a lot of support from my family and those I have found online. My family have been understanding to the point where they now get told everything, if I am low they get to know. My online friends, other sufferers have equally been amazing. They have helped me through some dark times and I can never thank them enough. When people are willing to put aside their own pain to help others they show the best side of human nature. Whilst I cannot help my ex partner deal with her feelings as the wound is still to raw, I do understand. I have tried to accept her anger towards me as I know her pain is great, I get hurt but I will not fight back.
I want to help others, doing so seems to help me. I will not let myself be distracted from this again, I let some comments strike me down but I will not do so again. I want to change myself into a better person and I think as long as I remember that I will ride the storm. On the 18th May I was ready to give up the very breath I have in me, I will not go back there again. Words and actions can never hurt me as much as that decision, I was saved and now I need to get better and help others. I will not forget what has happened, I will never forget the support and friendship I have found. I will also never lose the guilt I feel but hope with time it eases. I want to move forward, I want to change each day for the better, for anyone I can.
I do not expect many to understand this, but it is what it is. I will not apologies for putting myself first, I can’t help anyone at all if I’m dead. I do not worry about tomorrow anymore, I now look forward to it. Knowing there will be a tomorrow helps me move forward, I need a lot of tomorrows because I have a long way to go. I know that I will not walk alone, today or tomorrow. I have those who take my hand when I need them and I offer my hand when it is needed. One day I will walk back into the dark with my hand out to help others, I will not forget.