Today is the calm before the storm, the pressure is rising like the prelude to a storm. I do not even feel like writing but I hope that it will help. I hate these days, nothing has gone wrong today, but I have no satisfaction. The numbness is taking hold, the headache has started, the knot in the stomach is tightening. Sometimes I almost prefer it when I am taken unaware, at least then I have no choice but to just deal with it. This is me making a decision, face the fear or suffer the consequences.
Today is the calm before the storm, the pressure is rising like the prelude to a storm. I love writing, it helps me so much. I love days like today, nothing has gone wrong, I have a quiet satisfaction. However I feel the rise of positive anxiety, anticipation of moving forward. I am surprised that I can turn anxiety into something useful, a positive feeling.
I know there are things I have been refusing to face, I know I have to but I just can’t. I am seeing through my distraction techniques, being motivated each day is great, but I am not doing what needs to be done. Reality is looming over me and I find myself being forced towards it against my will. It scares the life out of me, or would do if I actually let it through. My time is running out though, I have to turn and look inwards, I have to face more pain.
There have been things that I have been refusing to face, but I feel ready. I have increased my motivation by doing more each day and this has helped me to prepare to do those things that need to be done. I am moving toward a new reality and while I am slightly scared of the unknown, I am eager to move towards it. It is time to face the last of my worries, I have the strength to do so now.
I am so pissed off that today should be a day of satisfaction, I have achieved things today, I have not given in. Yet here I sit with nothing to show for the day but numbness, that feeling like you could cry but you know it will never happen. I wonder if I am strong enough to face reality this time, I am tired of running but also tired of pain. I am so tired in my mind, I just want it to stop. Nothing is coming, sat here staring at the screen but I just don’t know how to express it.
I am so happy that today was a day of satisfaction, I have achieved things today, I have not given in. I sit here feeling good about my achievements today, feeling excited to share another good day. It feels good to feel strong enough to face reality, no more running away from pain, I have control of my mind, I don’t want it to stop. The positive words are just flowing from my fingers, I can’t express how good I feel.
I guess if I share it might help, maybe this is the true meaning of being an honest blogger. I need to face my financial situation, I must start dealing with the people who need paying. I need to sort out my bank account into my sole name, I need to work out how much I already owe having been off work so long. SSP just about covers living never mind bills. So that is one of the worries.
Sharing my problems helps so much, I find my blog a massive help to me to commit to things. I know that in the coming week I need to take control of my financial situation, it may not be easy but I get to get my affairs in order before they get any worse. The past few months of my illness have been hard financially but I will be able to sort it out, it may take time to stabilise but I will feel better once it is in hand.
Then there is the selling of the house, I know the buyer is trying to get a better price than I should give and I know it will fall through and I will have to start again. While this gives me time to get the last bits finished, I just need to move on now. To many memories here. The thought of dealing with estate agents and solicitors again just makes my brain ache. I have to do it though, I wish they sold motivation by the bottle.
I also need to get the ball rolling on selling the house, I have someone interested but if he does not commit by Monday I will get it on the market. I only have a few more bits to do, mostly paining which I enjoy, so it might get a better price. While estate agents and solicitors come at a price, I can’t sell it without them, but who knows maybe it will be a quicker and less painful process than last time.
Next week will also bring about the answer of what is happening with work, I just find waiting so stressful. So much time to ponder all the eventualities, so much time trying to find positives. Yet all I feel at the moment is negative; numb and negative. I am so fed up of feeling like this, what happened to the happiness I had yesterday, even the weather is more reliable than my mood at the moment.
I also should find out what is happening with my return to work next week. Finding the wait to find out a bit hard but then I know that I should be patient. I need to use the time wisely and not dwell on it, the answer will come soon enough and I have plenty of other things to do. Feel so good that I have had two positive days in a row.
I hate posts like this, so full of negativity, I should not even bother posting it but then what would be the point of writing it. I just need to find the way of dealing with my problems without emotion, it is the only way. I need to embrace the numbness, let it continue to help me get though. I need to forget emotion, I need to just separate my problem from any feeling right now. Maybe then I will face them with an impassive mind, is it possible to tame reality?
I love being able to write posts full of positivity, I can’t wait to post them, I just love to write. I am finding that I am starting to allow my emotions to guide me again in dealing with my problems. I need to embrace how my emotions affect me and not allow myself to ignore them. I must allow my feelings about my problems to help me understand myself better. The more I understand, the more control I have, the easier it is to tame reality.
I like that, I am actually smiling at the thought of taming reality. Writing this has possibly helped. What if I did not fear reality but embraced it, what if I let the emotions free instead of trying to deal with things without them. What if I flipped this post……………
I am just so fully of happiness right now, the thought that I am ready to tame reality, WOW! I do not fear reality but embrace it, letting my emotions free to help me deal with things is so refreshing. It is so nice to write a positive post rather than the negative flipside…………..
I wonder which you prefer, I know which one I do.