A silent room with the ticking of a clock, the click of the keys and only the voice in my head. As always at this point my mind is a swirl of thoughts, some joining others and finding there way to this page. Most times when I write I actually have no real concept of where the post will go, I just write. Sometimes I am inspired, others just rambling, my blog is my voice in the wind.
The more I look at myself, inside, the less I know. The line between reality and fantasy is now very blurred. I can function but only as an automaton, I have to be very careful about allowing emotion to guide me right now. This is a problem for me though as I have always relied upon gut instinct but I don’t know if I can trust it anymore. My emotional state is very fragile right now, a whisper away from darkness, just a step ahead. I have come to embrace the numbness, only letting a tint of emotion to allow me to appear in control.
The ticking of the clock soothes me, its regularity reminding me each moment that whilst I may be its slave, I can also be its master. My world right now has slowed, I have made it so. I need to feel that I can control my time, to make the world around me march to my beat. My life is all about control, being able to set my pace, being able to judge where I tread. It is the only way to keep the emotions regulated, to keep me numb whilst I process.
I know that I have to move forward but as yet I do not know where to go. Important decisions still need to be made but am I ready to make them? The fear of the unknown grows each day. I find myself doubting myself, my confidence has gone. I am in limbo, the sun still warms me, the rain makes me wet but neither affect me. I have faced my demons, I know them and I know that I can master them and banish them one day. My problem is that whilst I have faced the demons of the past, the experience has been exhausting, I am drained.
So I allow the ticking of the clock to sooth me, to guide me. I close my eyes and try to regulate by body to its rhythm, to set my thoughts to its pace. You soon come to realise that a second is a very long time in your head, you can cover a lot of mental ground in just a few tick, tick ticks. Trying to sort the tangled mess of life whilst remaining impassive is a difficult task. To those that think me lazy for spending hours just lying down without moving, trust me I would willingly swap. There is no dummies guide to my mind, if only there was. Chapter 4 Dealing with raw emotions that would be so nice.
I often wonder if it is just me, am I just using all this as an excuse not to conform? Should I just “get a grip”, “get on with it and man up”? Stop feeling sorry for yourself David, anyone would think you are dying. Sorry to say I do see the world looking at me and thinking, “what a waster, he just can’t be arsed to help himself” and I often think they are right. In the back of my mind though is the voice who seems to talk reason, though so quiet it is often hard to hear over the chaos. It is the voice that say “you are damaged my friend, wounded and broken”. It reminds me that if I had broken my leg nobody would be expecting me to run a marathon, So even though injury is unseen, I still need to recover.
While I allow the ticking of the clock to sooth me, time itself does not. How long until I wake with a smile, how long until I can make it though the day without having an anxiety attack. How much longer must I rely on tablets to make me sleep? It all seems so crazy. Should I look at it as a days healing for every year I have lived with the darkness? day, week, year? What timescale is normal, though I suppose that depends on the damage. Where are all these genius doctors who specialise in mental illness, to busy writing about it to actually help.
I am bitter about the lack of care I have received, when I feel more empathy and understanding from my GP there must be something wrong. Where is the guidance? A scrap of paper with some websites is great but I am much more capable of finding information thank you. What I want is a person who is supposed to listen and guide me, to fill in the blanks. Why have I been left to find my own, Why have I had to become so well-informed about my illness by myself. Every one of us is unique and yet we seem to be labelled and treated on mass like a flock of sheep.
I no longer want the ticking of the clock to sooth me, I want it to stop. I want the ticking to stop and only silence to remain. I want that silence to pass into my soul and allow me to have one moment of clarity. Just one glimpse of direction, one moment to hear the voice of reason clearly. Then the ticking of the clock can resume, it can take its place as the rhythm of my life. I will not give up and as each day passes my desire to shun the system that has failed me will grow. If the system will not help me then I will become my own system, I will work it out on my own. Then when I have I will spread this far and wide, freeing all the others like me, caged in a system without hope.