So today I spent most of my day having anxiety attacks, good solid body tensing, brain aching anxiety attacks. I, as you can imagine had a wonderful time. I did so much deep breathing I would have given a Buddhist monk a run for his money. Now I know that right now I have a lot to be anxious about, money, relationship, work and a few other things but today either everything blurred or didn’t exist.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my CPN and Psychiatrist, I was nervous because I wanted to go back to work but I also knew I had to be open about how I was feeling. So I went in nervous and came out feeling cheated. I can honestly say I drew no benefit from the meeting at all. I suggested an increase in my Paroxetine but also mentioned that my anxiety was still really bad. I mentioned that the diazepam and Zopiclone were helping with this but they didn’t like that, I should be coming off them and using self-help.
Self help, so I meditate (my own idea), I am reading a workbook on CBT (my own idea), I practice self-hypnosis (self-taught) and I am putting a lot of effort into this blog and MHPathway. What am I getting from them? I’m on a waiting list for the nurse therapist, I will see my CPN again in a fortnight and my psychiatrist in three months. I know that I have issues I need to talk through and that was the help I thought I would get. I feel like unless you are bouncing off the walls or kicking up stink you get nothing.
I have learned more about mental health and how to cope from forums and websites, I have received more support from people I have never met and I have decided that if ordinary people are not going to get the support they need then we will have to band together and “self-help”. I’m tired and mad but in some strange way that madness is helping me see clearer. I am no longer a mental health sufferer, I am a mental health fighter. I am no longer ill, I am getting better. I am no longer going to sit on my ass waiting for help that might never happen, I’m going to do it myself if I have to.
Ps still open for ideas etc for MHPathway.org, add us on Twitter @MHPathway.