Demons, mythical beings that those in the past gave names to and used to explain what they didn’t understand. I have demons, feelings and thoughts I do not understand. I have worries in life, money, family, etc but the biggest worry is am I mad and if so which demon is causing the madness.
Three fundamental things will happen next week, I will have a meeting with my boss, wonder how that is going to go. I went sick before my six months probation so they could get rid of me and to be honest with you if I was in their position I would get rid of me too. Secondly I will speak to a man who may want to buy my house, ever been through the house thing, stressful isn’t it. I have even wondered if I can sign some document giving my father power of attorney just in case, not that I running away I just don’t trust myself to make decision not when thousands of pounds are at stake.
Thirdly, I get to see my psychiatrist, never seen one before but I must admit to be scared witless. What the hell do I say?
I go into the meeting and tell them that I am feeling much better and the medication seems to be working. No I have had no more suicidal thoughts and I guess I just got stressed out. Yes I feel fine to go back to work and thanks for all your help.
I go into the meeting and say that on a good day my meds keep me stable and on a bad day I take extras to cope, my mind is a complete mess and there are days I take 2-3 Zopiclone just to sedate myself enough to get through the day, I limit my diazepam because I have less of it and use that when I have anxiety attacks. I still have suicidal thoughts, in fact I want to rip the fleet from my bones because I hate the person I am and want to dig out the person I like, If he even exists. I want to be put into a room and left to scream and rage and cry and destroy and then rebuild myself.
I read stories of these people who find themselves knowing that they were born into the wrong body, I feel like somewhere there was a fork in the road (narrowed down to an event in 1990 when I helped save someone’s life) and I had an option, good David , bad Dave, Up until a few weeks ago I identified my self as Dave, so maybe by now being David things may change.
Anyway, you people now know more about my mind than most, I hope I get chance to know my mind one day.
peace and love