You know my mind

You know my mind

Demons, mythical beings that those in the past gave names to and used to explain what they didn’t understand. I have demons, feelings and thoughts I do not understand. I have worries in life, money, family, etc but the biggest worry is am I mad and if so which demon is causing the madness.

Three fundamental things will happen next week, I will have a meeting with my boss, wonder how that is going to go. I went sick before my six months probation so they could get rid of me and to be honest with you if I was in their position I would get rid of me too. Secondly I will speak to a man who may want to buy my house, ever been through the house thing, stressful isn’t it. I have even wondered if I can sign some document giving my father power of attorney just in case, not that I running away I just don’t trust myself to make decision not when thousands of pounds are at stake.

Thirdly, I get to see my psychiatrist, never seen one before but I must admit to be scared witless. What the hell do I say?

scenario one:

I go into the meeting and tell them that I am feeling much better and the medication seems to be working. No I have had no more suicidal thoughts and I guess I just got stressed out. Yes I feel fine to go back to work and thanks for all your help.

Scenario two:

I go into the meeting and say that on a good day my meds keep me stable and on a bad day I take extras to cope, my mind is a complete mess and there are days I take 2-3 Zopiclone just to sedate myself enough to get through the day, I limit my diazepam because I have less of it and use that when I have anxiety attacks. I still have suicidal thoughts, in fact I want to rip the fleet from my bones because I hate the person I am and want to dig out the person I like, If he even exists. I want to be put into a room and left to scream and rage and cry and destroy and then rebuild myself.

I read stories of these people who find themselves knowing that they were born into the wrong body, I feel like somewhere there was a fork in the road (narrowed down to an event in 1990 when I helped save someone’s life) and I had an option, good David , bad Dave, Up until a few weeks ago I identified my self as Dave, so maybe by now being David things may change.

Anyway, you people now know more about my mind than most, I hope I get chance to know my mind one day.

peace and love

David 🙏😀❤️

6 thoughts on “You know my mind

  1. Be yourself Dave, go with the flow and be truthful where possible, sometimes all it takes is an adjustment to your meds and possibly some kind of counselling/therapy treatment.

    If your meds are working some days and not others it could be you need an increase to your medication dosage or even a change of medication 🙂

    I know you are terrified of what to expect and if anything like I was you have images in your head from the past regarding mental health treatments and how severe and harsh the methods were. It is not like that now because, fortunately, some things have changed with the treatment of Mental Health for it to be the way the way it is today, which, is a supportive network that provides what help that we as patients/people need.

    You are not alone with your anxieties and if you are worried and would like to have a cuppa and a chat just give me holler 🙂 Talking is calming, cuppas are soothing and the biscuits are a treat 🙂 sian 🙂


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