This may sound strange but ever since I started taking my medication my relationship with the family cat has changed. Now before my most recent breakdown it is well-known that I was stressed, anxious and depressed and the cat rarely came near me. Now this is may make perfect sense, that the cat would stay out of my way. The thing being that since I have been on my Meds the bond between me and the cat has grown quite strong. Maybe the cat has picked up on my more mellow vibe, maybe I’m not so much of an asshole to her. Now I know that there is scientific evidence showing that animals are good indicators of mood and I think my new-found friendship with my cat is a good indication.
There is also a flip side to this new-found niceness though, my character has changed. Even my daughter asked her mother the other day if they could keep me on the drugs because I was so much happier. And I do find myself calmer and a nicer person but we are the sum total of our emotions and when they change so do we. I find myself questioning every decision I make, I seem to have found empathy which is painful to say the least. The other day I was having a Twitter conversation with someone and actually messaged them afterwards to apologies because I felt I had offended them. Now I’m not saying that I don’t like being nicer but I am confused about how I am handling my emotions.
The thing is my change in emotions is due to the medication I am fully aware of this and I am also fully aware that they are not going to keep me on the meds. So what do I do? Take the diazepam, I know that they will only keep me on it for a few more weeks but I know that it is instrumental in controlling my anxiety. But even more importantly how do I know if the decisions I am making are mine or mine on medication? My head is in turmoil at the moment, I want to be a nice, calm and together person and that is the direction I want to take but how long before medication and therapy get me there. How long before I can trust myself to make decisions? I thought telling people that I had a mental illness was tough but admitting that I am having a crisis within my own mind is equally as tough. I feel that I should hand over control of my life to someone I trust until I feel safe to do so. I don’t mean little things but soon I may be selling my house and that requires a lot of paperwork and decisions that have major impacts on my family and finances, am I able to trust myself to do this?
At the moment I live each day trying to keep myself together, seeing through different eyes hour by hour. I haven’t even got a clue who I am and more so scared stiff that once the medication stops I will return to my previous self and I don’t even know if I liked that person, never mind where I went to. You see my cat likes me, she even seems to sense when I need her and I want that to continue. I want everyone to be like my cat and I just need to know how.
Peace and love