For those of you who are new to my site you may not know that I am new to the mental health system. By which I mean actually being treated for a mental illness by the wonderful NHS, who I owe an immense debt of gratitude too. I have known for a long time that I had a problem of some kind but I always managed to pass it off as the result of my situation, if things were going right in my life I was happy, if things were bad I was miserable. Sounds normal right? The problem was that I was the one making things bad, I was self-destructive, I did not believe I deserved what I had, so I made sure I lost it. I hurt many people during my life, not physically but emotionally. Whilst I take responsibility for my actions I know now that I was not a bad person, I was a person in denial and scared to accept the fact I could be ill.
My last trip into the darkness changed all this, this time I sought help. Firstly I did so thinking it was all to do with the pressure of work and while that did have a part to play but that was just the trigger. As yet I am undiagnosed, simply Depression NOS or Depressive disorder not otherwise specified. But as I am new to the ‘system’ I have yet to be properly assessed, this diagnosis is based mainly on my most recent behaviour and not so much on what has happened in the past. Being in the system has opened my eyes to the world of mental health and whilst I only spent five days on an assessment ward,I learned a fair bit in a short time.
While in hospital I started a daily journal, just to keep track of how I felt and my thoughts. When I came home I had the desire to write my story and as I had set this account up but not really used it I had my platform. When I set this blog up I had also set up a Twitter account so I started following others with an interest in mental health and it has grown but I stayed away from my Facebook account. You see while everything else had been controlled and selected my Facebook was filled with family, friends, work colleagues etc. People from past and present and I just could not muster the courage to be open on there. Until yesterday, it had become a hurdle and I knew if I was to be true to myself about spreading the story of mental illness I could not pick and choose. I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do but I did it and was immensely moved by the support and comments I received. It was even nice to see that many had taken time to read this site, I hope they continue. Mainly I feel I that I have freed myself from the final bond, everybody knows if you know what I mean and I’m still writing. So thank you, thank you for taking time to read my story so far. Thank you for your kindness and empathy and I hope that it has given an insight into mental illness to those who do not know it and Helped those who do feel less alone and more hopeful of being understood
PS I have started a Facebook group for those with an interest in mental health matters Just search davesoapbox